How Doing Absolutely Nothing At Home Is Not Only Okay, It’s Just What We Need
Like so many other moms, I left my full-time job about 4 months ago to stay home with my children during the pandemic.
My youngest was only 5 months old and my oldest was still preschool age. Yes, I wanted us all to be safer. Yes, I wanted to remove the stressful balancing act between working from home and commuting the kids to school. I was tired of trying to work with the kids at home because their sniffles could be COVID-19. But really and truly, I wanted to soak up more of these moments with my children while they are so very young.
I held a mid-level position doing Product work that I loved with a team full of good people. I probably don’t have to tell you how rare that is to find and thus, what I gave up in order to stay home. I may not find another job like that again. If I do, I’ll probably have to start where I left off (if not at a step back), while my peers will have furthered their own career trajectories. Leaving with no timeline and no back-up plan was a big bet on my own skill and abilities but it was the right bet for me and my family.
With all that I’m giving up, I made a vow to be present and fully engaged in my new “day job” and really in all waking moments. I knew I didn’t want to waste this time on an endless housekeeping to-do list — in trying to find ways to keep the kids busy/distracted so I can fold just one more load of laundry, wash one more dish, cook one more meal. After I put in my notice and we started planning for me to be home full-time, I shared this vision with my husband. We agreed that the expectation on homemaking wouldn’t change from when we were both working traditional jobs. Home responsibilities would still be shared equally with the bulk of the work getting done on the weekends. Weekdays 9–5(ish) would be time for me to engage with the kids — to play, to learn naturally, to read, and to explore.
I wanted my kids to be able to slow down and be present too. I didn’t want to cram their days with virtual story times, socially distant play dates, and rigid learning-at-home lessons. This is more difficult than it sounds. Social expectations make it easy to believe that a busy schedule makes for an enriched child. And I’ll admit that in my first couple of weeks at home, I veered toward this type of lifestyle. With two full-time working adults, a child in preschool and a new baby, being busy was all I knew. I think subconsciously I was also afraid to be home alone with my two young children with no agenda. What would we do? Would the days feel endless? Wouldn’t they just roam around listlessly, slowly driving me crazy?
But as I got more comfortable with being home I realized there was a middle ground. I could introduce, not a schedule, but a rhythm, to our days guided by our needs and interests and seasonal changes. We signed up for less. We started spending substantial time outdoors every day. We leaned into books, music, yoga and imaginative play, and away from tv, movies, my phone and structured lessons. We spent less money. We cooked and cleaned as a family. It might not seem like a big shift, but moving away from the Planner Lifestyle and toward a no-frills flow made all the difference in our collective well-being.
We slowed down and it was suddenly clear that so much of the stress and chaos we all felt was completely self-inflicted. If the baby skips a nap now, the whole day isn’t ruined. If my oldest wants to spend two hours on a hiking trail, we can. I stopped feeding the “constant-stimulation-monster” and now it doesn’t feel boring to do the same things every day. It feels enjoyable. It feels comfortable.
I still have moments of unrest over my choice, for me personally (more on this in future writing) but also for my kids. There’s so much social pressure that makes all of us parents doubt if we’re doing “enough”. I get asked all the time if I’ll be enrolling my kids in part-time school or other programs. I know my oldest isn’t learning as much of the traditional material as she was in preschool and that she isn’t getting the same level of socialization either. My youngest has almost zero opportunities to play with babies his own age. But deep in my gut I know that doesn’t mean they’re worse off. Maybe that’s not what they need most right now. We still see friends safely and they’re still learning with me through natural opportunities. They are trading all that they would get at school for less time in the car, more time bonding with their mom, dad and each other, and way more time for open-ended play and outdoor exploration. I’m more than okay with this trade-off.
This may be the only time in my children’s lives that they aren’t in school or working, where they don’t yet owe anything to anyone. This may be my only chance to just be with them — with no agenda and no deadlines. Even if it’s not, I’m going to treat it like it is and appreciate how privileged I am to even have this opportunity. I’m going to focus on making the most of this time.
